I hate new year's resolutions...

The other night Ben and I were getting ready to have dinner and drinks with some of his high school friends. Unfortunately, this occurred on one of what I call my difficult closet days.

There are times in my life, fairly often in fact, where every piece of clothing in my closet is my enemy. There is nothing that fits well, looks good, is effective when I want to look somewhere between breath-taking and bargain-shopping. It's times like these when I am possessed with the idea that everything in my closet which is not appropriate would look better. I find myself thinking the only attractive shirt I have is a tank top and on a December evening, that's hardly going to happen.

Frustrated, I asked Ben what I should wear. He pointed out a few things, I argued, he gave up. This is not uncommon. What was different that night was something he said to me. As he left the closet, confused with the way my mind works, I told him to help.

"Here's the problem," he said. "In the three years I've known you, I've never heard you say you look fantastic. You never think you look amazing."

I have to admit to pouting, but more to realizing he was right. Aside from the very rare occasion, I usually do not feel that I look 'fantastic'. I had to wonder why.

Fantastic is a big word. It means based on fantasy, beyond reality, so extreme as to challenge possibility and belief. Fantasy is magic. It's the makeover moment at the end of the tedious TLC show, isn't it? So am I putting too much emphasis on the definition of the word? I shifted the thought - do I ever even think I look good? Or, downshifting even more, do I ever look good enough?

Ben followed up his statement with, "Hey - why are you worried? I'm just going to wear a hoodie."

"That's fine for you," I replied, and I meant it, which shut me up again. Why was it so much more important for me to look good instead of him? More than that, I had to wonder why I didn't think he was going to look bad at all. In my mind, hoodie and jeans was a completely acceptable outfit for him - in fact, it made me wish I had a flattering hoodie (is there any such thing?).

Fixing the problem with what I wore that night was really not the issue. Neither was what Ben wore. The reality is I have a different set of standards for myself than I have for other people. Even more surprising, I realized my set of standards is impossible to reach. My idea of fantastic is fantasy. How am I ever going to live up to my own ideals? Easy. I'm not. My standards need a makeover. It's no wonder that I never achieve my goals - no one could.

So in the spirit of New Year's, and doing something I truly hate (but promising myself that I will write about it as a sort of reward), I make a resolution. I am going to change the way I look ... at the world.

Will I keep this resolution? I don't know. I know that as of last year, cheating on my resolution was like lighting the fuse on the bomb - it would end it all. I would think one mistake would ruin it all - one out of 365 days and I gave up on the entire year! That seems a little unfair, when looking from an outside point of view, and mistakes need to be expected. So I hope that one way for me to keep this resolution is to expect some mistakes. Let's call it the first big step.

I'm starting my life with my husband - an awesome, amazing man who loves me even with all my imperfections. I owe him enough to start listening when he says I'm fantastic. Now is the perfect time for me to start a life that actually sounds a bit easier than the life I've been trying to lead. I know this is going to be very hard, but isn't that was New Year's Resolutions are for?

Just Keep Plugging

I actually hate that phrase - plugging is kind of a gross word, and the more you say it in your head, the worse it sounds. Far too many glottals for my taste.

However, it is what I am doing. I graduate in two weeks with my Master's in English, and, of course, the job market is a desert. I knew it would be anyway - the old joke people continue to tell in front of me, no matter how little I smile, is "Masters in English? Try Master's in Starbuck's!" Yuk Yuk. Today's economy has not helped this at all, though my experience writing in SEO style has been a little effective in getting some calls back.

On the plus side, I was considering doing ACP and teaching in the fall. I still think I'm going to get my certification here, but might as well do it now, for free, and hang out for a bit. That way when I have it, I can teach where I want instead of at a school that requires bullet-proof professional wear. I've been there and I've done that. I'm over it. The good news is that if I do the ACP here, the wedding plans stay on target (STAY ON TARGET), I don't have to worry about requesting time off because I know my boss will let us have it, and mostly, it's free.

Don't get me wrong: my resume is still out there floating around. I am still pursuing interesting looking opportunities. I am still willing and able to move anywhere (Colorado, California, Connecticut - please call me). However in the meantime, this is what the plan looks like.

Today I was approached to tutor someone, something I will really enjoy. I have time to write again, as evidenced here. I get up daily and go to the gym, something I seem to think I dislike until I'm done, then I feel amazing. I have a beautiful wedding dress in my upstairs closet! Life is good, pretty much, overall.

Last night I looked at Ben and said, "I love our life." I mean it, too. I got home from work, we talked, we watched a weird, artsy movie together, we ate dinner, played Rockband, and then got ready for bed. I said this as we were lying down, side by side, reading our sci-fi novels.

"Yeah," Ben said, "I love us."

Thanks? I think?

I was invited into a conversation yesterday about Miss America, and I felt inspired to write something about it.

Apparently Perez Hilton blogged after her answer on gay marriage that Miss California was a "dumb bitch", and Donald Trump stood behind his chosen judge by saying that the answer cost her the crown.

I was thrown off by this for many reasons.

First I was angered that Perez was invited to the Today show to discuss his point of view. Why are we acting as if this man has anything of interest to say? Why is he famous? For slandering others. I'm not sure where his high horse came from, but he ought to get off of it, if he has time, between stalking Zac Efron and drawing bodily fluids on Robert Pattison's face. The more we treat this man as if he is famous for SOMETHING worthwhile, as if he is the possessor of a great intellect and his opinion is something we ought to be clamoring for, the worse our lives will get. I then began a mental rant on how he was chosen as a JUDGE for Miss America. Of course it then occurred to me that the last time I actually watched a pageant David Hasselhoff and Meshach Taylor were judges. So I can't really be upset about the quality of judges because, let's all face it, they've never been people whose opinions are worth respecting. Why not just move the pageant over to the American Idol stage? Simon, Randy, drunk!Paula, and that other woman can be the judges. America seems to respect them, more than Perez I dare to believe.

I was momentarily distracted by the idea that the poor, nervous, possibly not bright woman ought to be entitled to her own opinions. It's true - it's a free country, and if you ask someone something, they can answer it any way they like, IN THEORY. I watched her answer, as posted below, and I thought hmm. Well the answer itself shouldn't have cost her the crown. What a shame that she's being judged for what she said and not how she said it...

Wait.

Are they really saying the answer itself determined who won or lost Miss America? As in they made judgments based on what she said? Like they listened and gave the crown to someone else, not because her chest was bigger or her hair was shinier or she had a nice butt? SINCE WHEN DOES INTERVIEW EVEN MATTER?? It's always been like talent, but even more meaningless.

Do I owe Perez Hilton my gratitude? It seems to me all this might have been a step in the right direction.

How disturbing.

So, um, Thanks... Perez... ?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8XMvviFbkf0