I hate new year's resolutions...

The other night Ben and I were getting ready to have dinner and drinks with some of his high school friends. Unfortunately, this occurred on one of what I call my difficult closet days.

There are times in my life, fairly often in fact, where every piece of clothing in my closet is my enemy. There is nothing that fits well, looks good, is effective when I want to look somewhere between breath-taking and bargain-shopping. It's times like these when I am possessed with the idea that everything in my closet which is not appropriate would look better. I find myself thinking the only attractive shirt I have is a tank top and on a December evening, that's hardly going to happen.

Frustrated, I asked Ben what I should wear. He pointed out a few things, I argued, he gave up. This is not uncommon. What was different that night was something he said to me. As he left the closet, confused with the way my mind works, I told him to help.

"Here's the problem," he said. "In the three years I've known you, I've never heard you say you look fantastic. You never think you look amazing."

I have to admit to pouting, but more to realizing he was right. Aside from the very rare occasion, I usually do not feel that I look 'fantastic'. I had to wonder why.

Fantastic is a big word. It means based on fantasy, beyond reality, so extreme as to challenge possibility and belief. Fantasy is magic. It's the makeover moment at the end of the tedious TLC show, isn't it? So am I putting too much emphasis on the definition of the word? I shifted the thought - do I ever even think I look good? Or, downshifting even more, do I ever look good enough?

Ben followed up his statement with, "Hey - why are you worried? I'm just going to wear a hoodie."

"That's fine for you," I replied, and I meant it, which shut me up again. Why was it so much more important for me to look good instead of him? More than that, I had to wonder why I didn't think he was going to look bad at all. In my mind, hoodie and jeans was a completely acceptable outfit for him - in fact, it made me wish I had a flattering hoodie (is there any such thing?).

Fixing the problem with what I wore that night was really not the issue. Neither was what Ben wore. The reality is I have a different set of standards for myself than I have for other people. Even more surprising, I realized my set of standards is impossible to reach. My idea of fantastic is fantasy. How am I ever going to live up to my own ideals? Easy. I'm not. My standards need a makeover. It's no wonder that I never achieve my goals - no one could.

So in the spirit of New Year's, and doing something I truly hate (but promising myself that I will write about it as a sort of reward), I make a resolution. I am going to change the way I look ... at the world.

Will I keep this resolution? I don't know. I know that as of last year, cheating on my resolution was like lighting the fuse on the bomb - it would end it all. I would think one mistake would ruin it all - one out of 365 days and I gave up on the entire year! That seems a little unfair, when looking from an outside point of view, and mistakes need to be expected. So I hope that one way for me to keep this resolution is to expect some mistakes. Let's call it the first big step.

I'm starting my life with my husband - an awesome, amazing man who loves me even with all my imperfections. I owe him enough to start listening when he says I'm fantastic. Now is the perfect time for me to start a life that actually sounds a bit easier than the life I've been trying to lead. I know this is going to be very hard, but isn't that was New Year's Resolutions are for?